Some parts of my life are a blur. The times I felt too much or didn't want to feel at all are like very distant dreams, and I can only see them through thick, colorful glasses. I wasn't a "normal" child. While reading the Empath Experience my friend B gave me, I recognize that I never mimicked others so tremendously that I didn't know who I was. I've always had depth, I've always connected better with older people, or really just older souls, and I always had an interest in spirituality, deep emotions expressiveness, creativity, writing, and nature. The more I learn about my Empathy, and also take into account my natal chart, I was shaped to be exactly who I am so spectacularly. I am a moon child, a Cancer sun sign, with the moon as my planet, and I was born on a Monday. I see the moon and feel peace, and I don't dread Mondays (more like Tuesdays....) I also am a Libra moon, and Libra's generally seek peace, balance and harmony. They weigh out the options, and take their time to assess situations, and choose what will create the greatest good (or try to) and finding the truth is very important to them. Libra represents weights/balances/scales. Creating calm in my life, finding calm, and identifying what gives me anxiety and seeking to relieve it has been a driving factor in my choices. What's interesting is, as a Libra moon, that makes sense. As a Virgo rising, the anxiety I deal with makes sense. And then add in being an Empath, it's just a perfect recipe tied up with a bow. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I was born at the precise time I was supposed to be born in order to deal with being who I am.
While I'm reading some of the first chapter of the book my friend gave me, I'm a little nervous to really dive into my abilities. Just reading these introductory paragraphs leave me in tears. I'm not losing my shit, but just tearing up. Like wow. It's so good to know I am not alone in my experiences, my intense experiences. But also, what does it mean to really empower myself with this skill? I think I developed depression as a coping mechanism for feeling too much, because when really traumatic things happened, I just couldn't handle it. I think I sensed my dad's depression, what he told me he experienced when we first moved to Indiana, and I adapted to it? It's just a theory. I remember writing a poem about being raped, my mom finding it, and freaking out. I was trying to process what happened to my sister, and I only heard bits and pieces of the story, but I knew she had been abused to some degree. Yes, I was only 9 yrs old when all these things were revealed, but I understood. I saw my dad weep, and I knew it was something so devastating that my father, while an emotional being, wouldn't hide weeping from us anymore. I don't remember my dad every showing us him tear up, even though I know he would cry when he prayed intensely. Well, at least I know that in later years, when we moved to Indiana. I don't know if he actually did that when we lived in PA, before what happened. The only lie my mom every inadvertently told me was to view moving to Indiana like a vacation. She knew it would be hell, but she wanted to keep a brave face, and not seem so defeated as she was. But I knew she was devastated, and I knew she was resentful toward the universe that she was losing the first place she really called home. Maybe that's why I was so hateful towards Indiana, and Hoosier things for so long, My parents never wanted to be here either, and I could sense that in all of us. I just didn't know I was picking up the others' vibes and emotions.
It makes sense that I eventually have come to hate certain people that I do hate. The energy they give off is so revealing to me of who they really are. I hate them for being soul sucking leeches, and no one else seeming to pick up on it. They overwhelm me, and being with them for more than a day just bogs me down, and I have actually cried from it before. When I was surrounded by certain people a few years ago for 4 days straight with no down time, I started crying while we all sat in the living room. I hid it because how could I explain, Hey I'm so overwhelmed by your high energy and life sucking personalities that I am actually in tears..? I am grateful that I have had a job where people have been awful to me and I learned to really toughen up and speak up sooner, and not be afraid to be anxiety ridden but speak my truth anyway. I've learned that a lot this last year. Yes, I hate how I've been treated at my job, but I also have grown that this experience was necessary, too. That is the good thing about myself; I try to find purpose and meaning and lessons in all of my experiences. I learned how to really sift through my memories and experiences in a beneficial way because of my counselor at school. She taught me to look at the key phrases I use that stand out, and to dig deeper but also to give myself space and grace to heal.
Being an Empath sometimes means understanding so much about the people around me before they know if for themselves. I have learned to just fully trust my intuition and not to be so anxious about others responses. It's not that I HAVE TO BE RIGHT. It's that the energy I pick up is never wrong. It isn't me... The people I experience omit enough energy off themselves, that it is what I am really seeing and talking about, and it isn't my own opinions most of the time. It is was I see and experience, and it's outside of me. I have learned more that while things are personal in how people/ "friends" treat me or react, most people are selfish and too focused on self preservation to really care about how something effects others until they are confronted about it. Our initial reaction is to double down and defend ourselves. I only defend myself when I know 100% something isn't true. I want someone to dislike me for what is true about me that they don't like, not for a lie or a misconception they created to make themselves feel better. I also realized that I want to be a specific type of person with all people, and I won't be close to people who make me feel like I can't be that person. I did cut off a "best friend" recently because I realized I was just not myself with her, and she wasn't the type of friend I wanted anymore. Being friends with her had been a negative experience for a long time, but I tried to justify it because I knew deep down she cared about me, but it was always on her terms, and never how I needed to be cared for. It was selfish. I'm not here to say I am so much better, but I am blessed that my Empathy has forced me to pay attention to how the people I'm closest to need love. I don't get to choose how B or J or N needs to be loved. Their energy shows me what they need, and I have to comply, otherwise I'm failing my duty as an Empath. I have this ability for a reason. I need to take care to listen to my intuition and senses.
All these thoughts I'm working through and typing out reminded me of something B recently said to me. "You are one of the most selfless people I know..." I used to take things a lot more personally than I do now. I really have seen that most people are too caught up in their own schemes to really notice what they've done, and how it hurts someone else... the ripple effect. I don't excuse the behavior, but I understand it. There is more to this treatment than just being mean or hurtful to me, or neglectful or whatever. And I think once I somehow realized that we all do what we think makes sense outside of the consequences that can occur, that helped me really remove myself from others choices and understand them better. The hurt and pain is still there, but now I know why. So, I stopped needing to ask why someone did something, because I learned sometimes there really isn't a clear answer in their own hearts, and I would probably be better off not knowing, or just reading the vibes and leaving it alone. But I made ground rules for myself in my intimate relationships. And I won't stay close to anyone who won't comply. You might think that's selfish, but it isn't because I want equal, empowering, honest friendships that are deep, helpful, nurturing, seeking balance together, and being empathetic (in the general sense and not to my depth/degree). What I want for myself is something that others should have too! We should learn how to care for each other how we need, and not just how we want to do something. I won't be with someone who wants codependency, or flattery, or wants me to bend to their will. That takes away the realness.
I also know that at a certain point, past experiences or memories cannot be brought up again to use against someone if I decided to not address them. If I chose that it was best to let go of something, it needs to be let go of. If I hadn't figured out what to do yet, and it spans over a period of years, that's different for me. This isn't about justifying grudges. I seek resolvement, but sometimes it is very hard to find resolvement when the issue is a consistent wave, crashing down every year but never giving me enough time to work through what I feel. When I say "what I feel," that includes much more than just my emotional reactions.
I may add more to my thoughts here later, but I need to pause for now.
While I'm reading some of the first chapter of the book my friend gave me, I'm a little nervous to really dive into my abilities. Just reading these introductory paragraphs leave me in tears. I'm not losing my shit, but just tearing up. Like wow. It's so good to know I am not alone in my experiences, my intense experiences. But also, what does it mean to really empower myself with this skill? I think I developed depression as a coping mechanism for feeling too much, because when really traumatic things happened, I just couldn't handle it. I think I sensed my dad's depression, what he told me he experienced when we first moved to Indiana, and I adapted to it? It's just a theory. I remember writing a poem about being raped, my mom finding it, and freaking out. I was trying to process what happened to my sister, and I only heard bits and pieces of the story, but I knew she had been abused to some degree. Yes, I was only 9 yrs old when all these things were revealed, but I understood. I saw my dad weep, and I knew it was something so devastating that my father, while an emotional being, wouldn't hide weeping from us anymore. I don't remember my dad every showing us him tear up, even though I know he would cry when he prayed intensely. Well, at least I know that in later years, when we moved to Indiana. I don't know if he actually did that when we lived in PA, before what happened. The only lie my mom every inadvertently told me was to view moving to Indiana like a vacation. She knew it would be hell, but she wanted to keep a brave face, and not seem so defeated as she was. But I knew she was devastated, and I knew she was resentful toward the universe that she was losing the first place she really called home. Maybe that's why I was so hateful towards Indiana, and Hoosier things for so long, My parents never wanted to be here either, and I could sense that in all of us. I just didn't know I was picking up the others' vibes and emotions.
It makes sense that I eventually have come to hate certain people that I do hate. The energy they give off is so revealing to me of who they really are. I hate them for being soul sucking leeches, and no one else seeming to pick up on it. They overwhelm me, and being with them for more than a day just bogs me down, and I have actually cried from it before. When I was surrounded by certain people a few years ago for 4 days straight with no down time, I started crying while we all sat in the living room. I hid it because how could I explain, Hey I'm so overwhelmed by your high energy and life sucking personalities that I am actually in tears..? I am grateful that I have had a job where people have been awful to me and I learned to really toughen up and speak up sooner, and not be afraid to be anxiety ridden but speak my truth anyway. I've learned that a lot this last year. Yes, I hate how I've been treated at my job, but I also have grown that this experience was necessary, too. That is the good thing about myself; I try to find purpose and meaning and lessons in all of my experiences. I learned how to really sift through my memories and experiences in a beneficial way because of my counselor at school. She taught me to look at the key phrases I use that stand out, and to dig deeper but also to give myself space and grace to heal.
Being an Empath sometimes means understanding so much about the people around me before they know if for themselves. I have learned to just fully trust my intuition and not to be so anxious about others responses. It's not that I HAVE TO BE RIGHT. It's that the energy I pick up is never wrong. It isn't me... The people I experience omit enough energy off themselves, that it is what I am really seeing and talking about, and it isn't my own opinions most of the time. It is was I see and experience, and it's outside of me. I have learned more that while things are personal in how people/ "friends" treat me or react, most people are selfish and too focused on self preservation to really care about how something effects others until they are confronted about it. Our initial reaction is to double down and defend ourselves. I only defend myself when I know 100% something isn't true. I want someone to dislike me for what is true about me that they don't like, not for a lie or a misconception they created to make themselves feel better. I also realized that I want to be a specific type of person with all people, and I won't be close to people who make me feel like I can't be that person. I did cut off a "best friend" recently because I realized I was just not myself with her, and she wasn't the type of friend I wanted anymore. Being friends with her had been a negative experience for a long time, but I tried to justify it because I knew deep down she cared about me, but it was always on her terms, and never how I needed to be cared for. It was selfish. I'm not here to say I am so much better, but I am blessed that my Empathy has forced me to pay attention to how the people I'm closest to need love. I don't get to choose how B or J or N needs to be loved. Their energy shows me what they need, and I have to comply, otherwise I'm failing my duty as an Empath. I have this ability for a reason. I need to take care to listen to my intuition and senses.
All these thoughts I'm working through and typing out reminded me of something B recently said to me. "You are one of the most selfless people I know..." I used to take things a lot more personally than I do now. I really have seen that most people are too caught up in their own schemes to really notice what they've done, and how it hurts someone else... the ripple effect. I don't excuse the behavior, but I understand it. There is more to this treatment than just being mean or hurtful to me, or neglectful or whatever. And I think once I somehow realized that we all do what we think makes sense outside of the consequences that can occur, that helped me really remove myself from others choices and understand them better. The hurt and pain is still there, but now I know why. So, I stopped needing to ask why someone did something, because I learned sometimes there really isn't a clear answer in their own hearts, and I would probably be better off not knowing, or just reading the vibes and leaving it alone. But I made ground rules for myself in my intimate relationships. And I won't stay close to anyone who won't comply. You might think that's selfish, but it isn't because I want equal, empowering, honest friendships that are deep, helpful, nurturing, seeking balance together, and being empathetic (in the general sense and not to my depth/degree). What I want for myself is something that others should have too! We should learn how to care for each other how we need, and not just how we want to do something. I won't be with someone who wants codependency, or flattery, or wants me to bend to their will. That takes away the realness.
I also know that at a certain point, past experiences or memories cannot be brought up again to use against someone if I decided to not address them. If I chose that it was best to let go of something, it needs to be let go of. If I hadn't figured out what to do yet, and it spans over a period of years, that's different for me. This isn't about justifying grudges. I seek resolvement, but sometimes it is very hard to find resolvement when the issue is a consistent wave, crashing down every year but never giving me enough time to work through what I feel. When I say "what I feel," that includes much more than just my emotional reactions.
I may add more to my thoughts here later, but I need to pause for now.
