I had a dream last night that held characters from my past. There were people I had not thought about in depth for a long time, and there were others who I think about often. I didn't feel sadness, regret, or unsettled. Dreams continue to leave me with leftover feelings, no matter what they are about. Over the last year, I have severe night terrors that I hadn't experienced in such a long time. Dreams concern me because of the various times that they materialized. Maybe that's silly. There are not many things that leave me unhinged and anxious for extended periods of time anymore. What I hope is that I've developed healthy coping skills and have thrown aside most of the harmful ones.
On the tip of my tongue, I know there is much I want to say and relay. Blogging here always helped me settle what was in my head, or at least helped me work through it. I really enjoy coming back later and re-reading things I was processing. I miss leaving thoughts for future Hannah. Something I recognized about myself yesterday was that I have always sought out inner peace. Maybe I can finally give a polite nod to my religious upbringing for pounding the idea of conviction into me. Whenever I have felt extremely unsettled or anxious, or someone has emitted that energy, I have sought out whatever solution will make that feeling go away, and calm will come in. I'd break my heart to feel spiritual calm. It's really strange, but as I've developed this skill apart from religion, it has helped me find balance. Counseling really helped me develop.
Something else I've learned is that the inner voice directing me to feel uncomfortable about different things had nothing to do with conviction or the holy spirit. This came from my own instinct, intuition, and my empathy. I've paid attention to people, how I feel around them, and what I do to counteract when I feel negative. I didn't really believe it when my roommate told me I'm an empath, but the more I pay attention to people I care about/am around a lot, I can really identify what is them and what is me. I think about how others would feel about something, and I avoid confronting people who I know will emit feelings/energy that I don't want to absorb or be around. It's not just that I don't trust people with my opinion, it's also that I don't want their vibes. I honestly don't believe I'm so kind and thoughtful or caring as maybe I can appear. I want peace and calm, and I'll do everything I can to feel that way. I've done that my whole life.
Looking at my life through the lens that I am an empath, it's so strange to see things connecting differently. I had early depression. I was ten when I first experienced severe depression, dark thoughts. A couple of years ago, I was talking to my dad about the depression I was experiencing, when my emotions were completely gone and I just wasn't myself. He told me he didn't have depression like I did, but he remembered being deeply depressed when we first moved to Indiana. He had feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and wanting to die. Then, when I was listening to a podcast for Empaths, I remembered that conversation I had with my dad. "HOLY SHIT." It hit me. No wonder I was internally destroyed for years. I felt my dad's depression, and who knows who else's feelings. I've shown old poems to friends from when I was 14 years old, and they reacted like, "Wow, I was thinking of way simpler things when I was 14." I remember feeling everything.
Now I understand why it was so hard for me to want to be around my sister for a while. She is chaotic and passionate, her energy is loud and abrupt. I just internally wanted it to stop, and I didn't know how to handle it. She isn't as fucked by conflict as I can get, it seems. I could feel the anger dripping off her, and I hated that energy because I fucking hate anything but calm. I only fix problems because I hate feeling so unsettled. Is it purely selfish if it generally leads me to do the right/best thing? I also know I pay attention to body language. I worry about my friends' actions/behaviors not by how it affects me, but how it might fuck them over in the future if they continue to react in ways that I know aren't the best. I don't think I know everything or know better, I just know that I pay very close attention to people I care about, and that what I see won't be things they see. I also can feel their energy, and I just want to show them how to find calm and peace on their own. I just want to help.
I've never known myself so well before, and I know I am okay. If anything, life is good. There are really difficult things going on right now, and I've worked through many hard things before. I will continue to pursue peace, and do things that bring happiness and pleasure. At this point, I think I'm fully de-converted (haha that just sounds funny to me right now, I don't know why). I'm not angry about how I was raised much anymore, and I spiritually feel open. I don't need to figure out anything for certain, like how the universe was made. All I know is I exist for now, and there are others surrounding me who are in physical and spiritual forms that just want to keep existing, too. I don't care to identify as anything specific. I used to think, why should I believe something just because I like it or how it makes me feel? But now, I'm kind of thinking, if I like this idea, why can't I believe in it if I want to?
Babe, you're not lost.
On the tip of my tongue, I know there is much I want to say and relay. Blogging here always helped me settle what was in my head, or at least helped me work through it. I really enjoy coming back later and re-reading things I was processing. I miss leaving thoughts for future Hannah. Something I recognized about myself yesterday was that I have always sought out inner peace. Maybe I can finally give a polite nod to my religious upbringing for pounding the idea of conviction into me. Whenever I have felt extremely unsettled or anxious, or someone has emitted that energy, I have sought out whatever solution will make that feeling go away, and calm will come in. I'd break my heart to feel spiritual calm. It's really strange, but as I've developed this skill apart from religion, it has helped me find balance. Counseling really helped me develop.
Something else I've learned is that the inner voice directing me to feel uncomfortable about different things had nothing to do with conviction or the holy spirit. This came from my own instinct, intuition, and my empathy. I've paid attention to people, how I feel around them, and what I do to counteract when I feel negative. I didn't really believe it when my roommate told me I'm an empath, but the more I pay attention to people I care about/am around a lot, I can really identify what is them and what is me. I think about how others would feel about something, and I avoid confronting people who I know will emit feelings/energy that I don't want to absorb or be around. It's not just that I don't trust people with my opinion, it's also that I don't want their vibes. I honestly don't believe I'm so kind and thoughtful or caring as maybe I can appear. I want peace and calm, and I'll do everything I can to feel that way. I've done that my whole life.
Looking at my life through the lens that I am an empath, it's so strange to see things connecting differently. I had early depression. I was ten when I first experienced severe depression, dark thoughts. A couple of years ago, I was talking to my dad about the depression I was experiencing, when my emotions were completely gone and I just wasn't myself. He told me he didn't have depression like I did, but he remembered being deeply depressed when we first moved to Indiana. He had feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and wanting to die. Then, when I was listening to a podcast for Empaths, I remembered that conversation I had with my dad. "HOLY SHIT." It hit me. No wonder I was internally destroyed for years. I felt my dad's depression, and who knows who else's feelings. I've shown old poems to friends from when I was 14 years old, and they reacted like, "Wow, I was thinking of way simpler things when I was 14." I remember feeling everything.
Now I understand why it was so hard for me to want to be around my sister for a while. She is chaotic and passionate, her energy is loud and abrupt. I just internally wanted it to stop, and I didn't know how to handle it. She isn't as fucked by conflict as I can get, it seems. I could feel the anger dripping off her, and I hated that energy because I fucking hate anything but calm. I only fix problems because I hate feeling so unsettled. Is it purely selfish if it generally leads me to do the right/best thing? I also know I pay attention to body language. I worry about my friends' actions/behaviors not by how it affects me, but how it might fuck them over in the future if they continue to react in ways that I know aren't the best. I don't think I know everything or know better, I just know that I pay very close attention to people I care about, and that what I see won't be things they see. I also can feel their energy, and I just want to show them how to find calm and peace on their own. I just want to help.
I've never known myself so well before, and I know I am okay. If anything, life is good. There are really difficult things going on right now, and I've worked through many hard things before. I will continue to pursue peace, and do things that bring happiness and pleasure. At this point, I think I'm fully de-converted (haha that just sounds funny to me right now, I don't know why). I'm not angry about how I was raised much anymore, and I spiritually feel open. I don't need to figure out anything for certain, like how the universe was made. All I know is I exist for now, and there are others surrounding me who are in physical and spiritual forms that just want to keep existing, too. I don't care to identify as anything specific. I used to think, why should I believe something just because I like it or how it makes me feel? But now, I'm kind of thinking, if I like this idea, why can't I believe in it if I want to?
Babe, you're not lost.
