No Title for Today.

I don’t like posting openly about my real thoughts and real life. I do have a blog where I have related some life events. I only post where I believe my audience is small or nonexistent. It’s not for attention or recognition. Definitely not for anyone to feel sorry for me or give me a pity party. I know that tonight is supposed to be a wonderful celebration, watching the new year come in. Everything about New Year’s Eve is just awful memories for me. I would rather not recollect them ever again. I just want to promise myself that I’ll protect my heart, no matter the cost. If I cannot live with myself, why should I push me aside and try to live with anyone else? I live my life. No one else does. Though, I’d rather not live mine sometimes. No one has a choice. Everything is preplanned. Predestined. I have no choice.

At least I won’t be blind this new year. I know love doesn’t exist. I know my heart will always ache. I know that the past made me who I am. And I know that no one really cares, deep down. We all just try to feel something we don’t want to feel. We all try to relate to each other when we don’t really care. We talk about our struggles, because no one else will listen. We confess our deep secrets because we can’t handle our guilt. Yes. Shame and guilt. 

I Can't Cry No More

It seems at that moment where I'm giving up on everything, that moment where my heart is completely destroyed, and I've no reason to keep going, and when I have lost all  feelings, something just steps in the way. But it isn't something that saves me. It's something that makes the noose to hang me on. It's something that pushes both of my feet out and locks the door behind me. Change. It forces me to move when I want to stay. It forces me to stay when I want to dance. I'm doomed to this - this emptiness. Depression, dissension - broken down and broken apart. I'm not going to recover from this one. I'm trying to move on, trying to let go, but it won't let me. I'll never get past this hurt.

Don't Lose Heart, Keri

Is it possible for eyes to lose their color?
Is it possible for a picture to fade?
You long for light to come through your heart.
You long for love to find away.

You beat yourself up
For hitting the ground.
You put yourself down
For not being strong enough.

Here love is to save you.
Just waiting for you to stay.
You keep praying for true love,
But everyone has turned away.
There is a story to be told
After years of being broken.
This is what the future holds:
A love so pure and golden.

Your eyes will be the brightest blue.
Your beauty will shine right through
Your heart will be made anew.
The greatest kind of love will come to you.

Don't lose heart.

Sunrise Shout

Where do I go from here?
I feel lost.
I'm losing myself to fear.
The light is gone.

Gray. Gray. Gray.
Everything I fight for
Fades away, away.
The fire is no more.

I'm running towards the shots
Trying so hard to find the answer.
But the door is secured by padlock
And my desperate hands turn it over.

The sunrise;
Is it a promise?
Silence.
No answer.
Silence.

'Cause Baby, It's Just Worthless

I know I should be working on editing my play-script for my English class, but I really don't feel like it. We have three more classes devoted to editing one of our previous assignments, and honestly, the one I chose doesn't need a whole lot of work. You could say I haven't been pushing so hard in school this semester, but I just feel like it's all worthless. Pointless. I don't really have the desire to continue in college. But I know I must finish it eventually. It's best to have a degree. But Ivy Tech has made it impossible for me to graduate in two years like I should be.

Honestly, I have been so down and out. More so with every passing day. Maybe to an unhealthy measure, I don't know. I don't really trust the psychology test I had to take anyway. If it was wrong about more than one thing, then it's faulty. Unreliable. I am in a deep rut, and I don't know how to get out.

Do you ever feel like you are just pushed aside having to watch everything happen to you? There's no way of stopping or going. You just have to watch, like your life is on a screen. I feel so far away from everything. So distant. Whatever I fight for or desire or long for, it goes away or vanishes or slips right through my hands. Everything leaves. Everyone leaves. I give myself away to help, to save, to provide, to advise... but in vanity. I'm left with nothing. So what about me? Why must I give all I have for someone to get what they need? Don't I count for anything? Where do I come into play? When will someone give all themselves to me? Never... It's whispered in my ear, NEVER. You will never belong. You will never be remembered. You will never be trusted. You will never be loved. Lies? Are these lies?

Yes, lies. They have to be, I tell myself. But not all of them are. If I were ever meant to belong, I would have belonged at some point somewhere. But I don't. And I won't. I don't understand why someone I did everything I could to show them I loved them, show them they belonged when they were with me, that they have so much purpose and meaning...they didn't find me worth holding onto, they didn't love me in return, they didn't make me belong and wouldn't let me help them. It hurts and tortures me like hell. This is my hell. And I have the scars to prove it.

I have a bone to pick with you, God. If you even listen to me anymore, take me home. I don't want to be here. I don't want to play this game of life. 

To the Biggest Bullshitter I've Known

I will not say "dear" because you are no longer dear to me.
You make me feel empty
And have always left me so alone.
That must be because you are as cold as stone.

When you needed someone to confide in, I was there.
When you needed someone to complain to,  I was there.
When you needed answers, I tried to give them.
When your mind was racing, I was there to calm you.
When you were rejected, I was there to catch you.

Even when your actions were a direct hit against me,
Even when your words were so emptily thrown at me,
Even when you used me for your own selfish reasons,
I was there. I was always there.

You could tell the world that you knew I was there.
You could tell the world that you knew I cared.
You could tell everyone that I loved you more.
You couldn't count the nights that I would stay up for you.
You couldn't count the times you owed me an apology.
You couldn't count the times I wished you meant nothing to me.

Even though you hurt me so,
Even though you only let me down,
Even though you would rip me apart,
Even though you and I are not alike,
I chose to be your friend,
Even though you never treated me right.

Every word I would say, you would question it.
Every feeling I would express, you would humor it.
If you really cared, you would have made it known.
If you were really my friend, you would have shown.

You barely would say words to me when we're face to face.
You have no strength or courage; hurt and weakness take their place.
How many times I wished I would own your heart!
I thought that if I waited, and waited, you would realize somehow
But I was the only one to realize that I was wasting MY heart.

We are so different, you and I.
You are the one who hurt yourself by letting me go.
You said we would be friends, but I should have known.
Your actions have never expressed the heartfelt thoughts you've shared.
You are the one who left the chance to vanish.
You said you needed me, but you treated me like I was a disease.

One day, when you are all alone, you will regret that day
When I gave you my heart and you shattered it like glass.
You will see that you still have your heart, and it's aching,
Longing to be with the one person who understood it.
You will be lost in your emptiness because you never let yourself heal.
There is nothing more you can do to me.
You have no hold over my heart anymore.
I am no longer yours to hold or release.

This is not one out of many letters,
This is the last one I'll write for you.
I waited for you and you will always remember that.
We are so young, yet we've known loss to an unhealthy measure.
One day, I pray you recover,
But you won't
Because the only thing you let go of is Love.

The Junk Yard of Broken Hearts

          What is it like to get your heart broken? Do you actually feel it crack? Or is it merely an expression used when the pain is too much to be described? How can words be enough to explain all that aches the heart? Is it possible that we are the ones who hurt ourselves more than anyone else? Are we the ones who break our own hearts because we risked it all?
Every day, I wonder if I could have stopped my own hurt. I've thought myself to be the blame for every pain I have felt. But then, who is to blame for when I hurt someone else? Myself, again. I shower myself with the blame, the guilt, and in the end, nothing gets better. If I hold all the blame, I will never forgive myself, and nothing is resolved. But of course, there is bitterness and resentment held towards the people who caused the hurt that I allowed. 
Heart broken: suffering from overwhelming distress. That's how Google defines it. The side effects may vary on the situation and person. What causes a heart to break? Loss of every kind. Physical injuries. Death of close person. Break-ups. Losing someone because of a fight, or other reasons. Disappointment. Letdown. There is no limit to what may cause it, but usually it has to do with a person. Someone that hurt you. Someone you let get close to you. Someone you let affect you. Someone you let in your heart. 
Some days, I just have to wonder how did he/she even hurt me? Not that it didn't really happen, but how did I let it affect me so? Some hurts ripped me apart for months, even years. Some things still hurt even though there have been apologies, mending, and fixes. Unfortunately, the memories you want to forget seem to be the ones you never do. Forgive and forget. Don't forget to forgive. Cliché words. Cliché phrases. Everyone uses them, but I despise hearing it. Thank you for stating the obvious. Love, Hannah. 
I want to encourage any of you who have been recently hurt, (because everyone has been hurt in someway), talking it out is a good thing. If you don't trust anyone, which I wouldn't blame you, talk out loud to yourself. Sometimes, hearing it makes you accept things better than just knowing it in your head. Keeping everything locked up eats me inside out. Though, there are many feelings I just have to hide and conceal. But just remember, social networks are not your friends. Venting on there is not really getting it out if you aren't directly speaking with a friend. It's cowardice. It's the same as writing in a diary. 
I'm not going to say don't keep a journal. I do from time to time. It does help, but it is not mere enough to actually start healing. Healing is a long process, sadly. I think we all wish we could heal at the snap of our fingers. Or we wish we could just go back and undo that hurtful decision, or erase someone from our past. That is a huge one for me. Now we're getting somewhere that hits home. (Not that this whole subject doesn't already.) 
I've been thinking that if we start looking at relationships just like going shopping, maybe it will be easier to understand why thinks didn't work out. I see an exquisite dress and try it on. I love it, I think it's THE DRESS, and the price is not too much, but once I put it on, it doesn't fit here, and there, and it's too short, or too long. Am I the problem? Is the dress the problem? Well, no. There is nothing wrong with either. We just can't work together. It wasn't made for me or meant for me. And I guess I can see how that is the same way with friends and boyfriends and girlfriends. Relationships. They are messy and that's okay. The clothes we love don't always make us look good or feel better. Sometimes, my shirts get sauce on them, or my jeans get grass stains. Unless the damage is just undo-able, I clean it, and it's fresh and ready for the next wear. Relationships sometimes need a few cycles in the washing machine. But if it's just too dirty, damaged, it cannot always be cleaned, so to speak. 
But back to healing from the heart broken state. Healing isn't just something that happens as a result of hurt. You have to want to heal. It takes effort and believe me, it is not easy. Half the time, I have to debate with myself about letting go. That is one of the hardest things to do. Hurt is the result of letting go. It is going to happen. It's the cycle, unfortunately. I know that there is someone who will be worth all this hurt that I've put myself through for others who weren't worth it. There will be someone you'd be willing to go through it all again just to be with them. And someone who I will willingly push aside my past hurt because he is enough, and he is what I've needed all this time, and he is worth investing in. This person could be in my life right now, or could be in my life a few years from now. 
But don't put all your hope in that. No, not at all. Pas du tout! Trust God! He knows who is out there for you. He is the greatest healer, lover, and is wholly devoted to you and me. He will save this relationship for when He has fully prepared you (and the person) for it. I am rather impatient at times, but I want everything to be just right, so there is no need to rush my life. You, too. Be patient. I know it is frustrating when everyone around you, friends, co-workers and the like are getting married, engaged. It is lonesome. But don't forget that God is here to comfort. It has always been hard for me to be willing to give him these feelings and hurts from the past and present. But when I do, burdens upon burdens are freed from my back and my heart. Little by little, my broken heart pieces together. 


One last thing.
Love. 

It Isn't Too Hard To See

        Who am I accountable to? If the "godly" people in my life are unforgiving, who believes my apologies? Is it enough to say I'm sorry? Why does it seem that they believe sinning and living in sin are the exact same thing? Is there no such thing as a struggle just because I don't ask for you help? No, I won't ask you to be my accountability partner. You could never be the judge of me. Shouldn't you know this? Aren't you studying the same bible I'm reading? Why are you so willing to only embrace those you see falling apart? Maybe we are just much stronger. Maybe we need to struggle alone. It's like you think repentance is some kind of achievement. You aren't God. You have no right to demand that view.
         There's something to wonder at: You act as though a struggle is a life of evil. Do you eat more than your share? Over indulge yourself in other ways? Any good thing can be misused. Even godliness can become a sin if you condemn and damn even loved ones. You turn godliness into self-righteousness and an unforgiving heart that turns even your family away. Why would anyone want to trust you? You've only demonstrated resentment, and an argumentative behavior. No one can win against your critical words. Why would anyone let their struggles show when you would rip them apart? You pull apart every word and argue on trivial things. Why would anyone want to listen when it's about things more seriously?
         All you do is assume and judge. You are not God, you are not in charge. You are not responsible for anyone, but yourself. Why are you so close minded  in this? You focus on SEEING when Jesus blessed those who believe without seeing. Why do you only believe in what you see from people? It is a wrong judgment. You think one wrong makes someone evil. But you bless the one who is so obviously living in wickedness. This is SENSELESS! Why do you so easily forgive someone who is not even ashamed of living in sin, but you condemn someone who is yearning for godliness? But they stumble. They fall. And instead of forgiving and encouraging, you rip their character apart.
        You are eager to love on anyone else, but those who really love you. You would rather resent us for being imperfect and risk your heart for someone who is living a wicked life. Is it because they cry and say a bunch of empty words? Is it because you see something that makes you show love to them more? How can you positively minister to anyone when you can’t even show love to your own family? How can you be right with God when you don't forgive mistakes. MISTAKES. This is sin, isn't it? This is wrong! I demand an answer! You are so unloving, unforgiving, resentful, judgmental, critical, and hateful. You take everything personal. Why do you expect us to be YOU, but even better? You're deceived.
         You are not my God. He has forgiven me before I even repent. He knows what is in my heart and I can trust that he will know the difference between mistakes and living in sin. Unlike you. He is righteous, he's pure and perfect, but HE forgives and doesn't resent. He washes away my sin. But you keep it memorized. You don't let go of wrongs and you barely remember the rights. God is my judge. He is my accountability partner. He's the one who reflects godliness. He has the answers to all these frustrations I've expressed. He knows my heart, unlike you. You have little to no faith in God if you don't trust that HE will deal with my sin. You lack trust in his power if you doubt his ability in leading me to repentance.
         Without him, you are nothing. So, when you judge me, do you really think that is what God wants? This is ridiculous! Be grateful to God that you have us. There aren't many who struggle. That is because a lot just give in. If you can't forgive, what does that mean for you! God will deal with you harshly. Shouldn't you be wary of that? There are consequences for those who focus on such trivial things. (Remember the religious leaders that accused Jesus? Remember how Christ protected that woman that people were going to stone? He told them that whoever was pure, righteous, and had never sinned could throw the first stone. But no one was left! Not ONE! Why do you condemn then?) Well, then you know what I think I'm seeing. Reflect on your own heart and stop condemning others. You forgave them, why can't you forgive anyone else? You are so untrusting.
It's SO wrong. So wrong. So wrong.

Leave Weeping to the Willow Tree

I'm sitting at the computer of my school library waiting to meet with my adviser. We're going to map out the next year and a half of my life for school. Of course, just because we may write something down, that doesn't mean it will actually happen that way. My plans have already been changed so much.

Sometimes, it seems nothing is certain. That no matter what you thought you could depend on, rely on, put faith in, it never seems to work out. Many times, I just wonder, "Why do I try?" because it feels so hopeless. If my future is uncertain, we are influenced to plan it. But what happens when that is all in disarray? What do you do when everything else has failed? If what I plan is not the final say, I think, why plan? Why have goals or dreams when it's ultimately not up to me if they are actually fulfilled?

But isn't mystery supposed to be exciting? Isn't it thrilling to NOT know what's going to happen next? Uncertainty is decaying. But what if you don't view it as that? What IF it's just being in awe of what you don't know? Or marveling at the unknown? What if the only thing that is mystifying is how focused I AM on what MY plans are for myself? What if that is the wonder?

I have so many questions that just don't have answers. Some say that you should start doing. But where do I begin? How far should I go? When will I end? One answer is followed up with a thousand more questions. Is that the point? If I knew the answer to one thing, I would think I deserved the right for more. The comfort is that everyone is searching for answers.

But for once, I would like someone to be searching for me.

I've Got To Be Honest

I struggle with a lot of things;
Emotion is one of them.
Yes, everyone feels something,
but it is possible to over-feel, isn't it?
Maybe my thoughts and feelings are just too simple for me to explain
or just that complex.
It is as though, someone merely poked me with a finger,
yet I am left with a stab wound.
Over years of being mistreated by people I should be able to rely on,
I have become a resentful and untrusting person.
Sometimes, I am apathetic.
I could careless.
And other times, I cannot control my mind from conjuring up old hurts.
I am like a mutant of some sort, or a strange fictional character:
The girl halfway in reality and halfway in the past,
Halfway in what could have been and halfway in fact.
Is one capable of caring too much,
and not caring enough?
If so, I believe I have accomplished that.
I feel so alone,
and then I want to be alone.
There's a civil war going on inside of me.
Nothing is at ease,
or at peace.
Especially not my mind.
I'm not angry with God anymore.
I used to blame him, or yell at him.
What for?
I came to the conclusion that I was the problem,
the sole problem.
Why else would people trample me so freely?
Why else would someone use me as the scapegoat to her lies?
Why else would I be the one put out of a job?
Why else would I be the one pushed around?
I write countless of poems,
poems that try to reflect whatever is inside of me.
A broken heart, a broken person, a broken spirit.
Whatever the hell is left in this person I am.
I was forced to be here,
but no one knows how many times I begged God to take my life.
Selfishly. I asked him so many times.
Out of hurt, I tried to cut myself,
Out of rage, I swallowed my pain, never to share the depth,
only causing a huge black hole to evolve in my heart.
I asked God why couldn't he fill it, or better yet, why WOULDN'T he?
And he would put me at ease,
and then I would forget him,
thinking I was free from the emptiness, the hurt and rage.
But the bottled up emotion was not gone.
Little by little, I would be reminded of all of it.
Friends ripped me up,
Strangers destroyed my reputation.
I gave people too much of myself,
people who didn't care.
And to the people who should have loved me,
I am a disappointment, or a burden.
But they don't know half of who I am.
I live underneath the surface.

Who Am I To Say...?

What does it mean to be unburdened? Is it a sign of freedom? Is a soul burdened only by itself? Or is it by the godless behavior of the body it possesses? Is it a fair question to ever ask for the end of one's life? Or to even dare take it away? It is weakness of heart and faith to let a burden ever take the joy of living.

But how does a person let go of it all; the worry, the burden, and the hurt? Pride tell shim to figure it out alone; Weakness tells her she is no good, useless for losing control. Life has a way of breaking character apart. But does breaking apart - mind and spirit - make on stronger?  Does it really?

We pump our fists in the air at the sky. Continually asking questions..."God, why?" The end of our rope is only a few threads: how can that be safe? If there is no one to save us, why hold on so tight? Rocks are inevitably at the bottom. We endeavor to escape on our own, perhaps. But who is holding the rope? And who is pulling on the other end? We focus so much on holding on, but not that someone is holding onto US. The rope is not made by my hands, as the fish didn't create the hook. But if it is stuck to my flesh, IT will never let me go.

"There is no God," some say. But two words - close and close - are spelled the same, but have two very different meanings. I tell you, we are not alone.

There is one who holds my rope.

Art of War by Anberlin

Have you ever had a dream that felt SO life like, so real, that when you wake up, you are furious that it wasn't real... that it never happened? But your heart feels so different now. It pounds to the anxious beat like it used to. It questions the dream and the mind that created it: why did it conjure up old memories or old wishes? And this song really connects me to the dream and the person who was in it. It was like this song was written for that moment (of course it wasn't). But it caused me to start crying, not profusely, but just enough. 


I believe dreams to be reflections of fears, memories, and hopes.

Rain Makes Everything Better

Yes. It's been a long time. I know. I have been rather sidetracked the past few weeks. Too sidetracked to write or update or really to even focus on things outside of my normal routine. But tomorrow I have an essay do. Nothing fancy. Up to 3 pages about one of the 3 short stories recently discussed in my English class. This past week and weekend I have felt very out of spirits, weak, sore, and tired. I have no motivation and I guess this is my last resort. To rant about something to bring this brain into some sort of proper function. It seems too much to ask. I'm burning up, sweating. Then, I have to pull a thick jacket on, and sweatpants just to keep from shivering. I must be ill. And now my dog is whining extremely loud about the dumb ass cat that won't go AWAY from my door. She smells him. It drives her insane. "ARY! BE QUIET!" She laid down, discontent that I did not let her venture out to see what the cat was doing. *focus focus focus* my brain says.
I put on www.rainymood.com and am listening to instrumental music on www.youtube.com. This should relax me into thinking clearly. Let's give this a shot. I have more than this as homework for the class, but I DO have til 6 tomorrow to get this done. It IS only the rough draft, but if it is GOOD, I can just turn it in, no sweat over the break. YAY. Spring break starts Friday for my sister and I. But I do have projects to work on for that that are due in March and April. BOO HOO.
Alright. Let's getter done.

Short for the Better

I know that saying “God understands” is cliché. It’s true, but it doesn’t always feel like the most comforting thing. It’s hard to believe in someone you don’t see with your eyes and you don’t hear with your own ears, or don’t touch. And sometimes it feels better to be angry, to be in pain, because it’s safe. I say this because this is how I am. That is why I won’t blatantly say “I’m praying for you” because I don’t want to push the idea that I do not have struggles and problems. I do completely.

There's No After You

I just have a poem that I wrote 12/31/11 for you today. I don't feel like ranting.

A nudge on my shoulder.
Warm breaths on my neck.
Onto my side, I turn over.
A soft touch felt on my head.
You push my hair back,
As I open my eyes.
Lips, nose, cheek,
Pleasantly leaving a trail of kisses.
A warm aroma fills my senses,
Gently pulling you in,
Clinging closely to your chest.

The day before,
Unforgettable.
The day after,
Undeniable.
Curled up toes,
Fitted like spoons,
Quilted up to noses,
Not leaving soon.
Forget everything before,
Or everything after.
Deep understanding, we confide,
A great love affair to last forever
There's no after you, Bright Eyes.

There Is No One Left To Blame

I always seem to have a theme for each new year, in some shape or form. Last year, in my poems, I had "cords " tied to "hearts" often intertwined somehow. And the my saying was "Love is Unstoppable" or "Love is a Lifestyle". That was more later in the year, the latter one. My tattoo was even supposed to reflect off of those ideas. A heart, still very much alive, with flowers, is hung on a dying tree. It nearly represents that there is a beginning after the ending. And love never stops.

This year, I just decided on my new one. It is "A work in progress" because we call always stand to change. I still have so much to learn, so much to see, so much to do. There is NO way I am perfect. I have so far to go, still. I am excited to see what happens this year, and anxious. I won't lie about that. I am thinking about getting a tattoo to reflect this new "motto". So, maybe, every year I have a new, good motto, I will create a new tatt. I have been thinking about one already that will represent "Love is a Lifestyle". It looks pretty gnarly.

I used to have a "Band" for every month, too. Like, it was the band of the month, and that was basically all I listened to. I should do that some year. Listen to a different band every week, and only listen to that band . No other music. That'd be interesting. Just an experiment. I could do that for a month. We'll see. That could get annoying fast.

I don't have any rants for today. I am still frustrated about some things going on in my life, but half of them are working out. Most of the time, I am just so anxious, and I just need to sit down and take a breather. Or actually eat something. Stress ruins my life. Runs my life. It's really bad sometimes, but after I just knocked a few things out of my life, I have been much more calm and cool, and even, my hormones have calmed down. So that has been SO nice.

I'm out.

Sorry About My Rant, I'm Just Hurt

Usually, Christmas break would've been something to look forward to and enjoy. Mine was not so good. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer can stand being in certain peoples company anymore, and I also learned that promises are shallow. Someone who continually breaks trust, is dishonest, rude, and treats you like the lowest piece of shit there is... IS NOT, for goodness sake, is NOT YOUR FRIEND. 

I FINALLY decided that I will not stand for this treatment anymore. It is the stupidest thing I have ever done, to put up with selfish and self-absorbed "friends" for so long, forgiving and just letting it go. I am DONE. SO SO SO DONE. It is NOT worth it to me anymore. 

Dear you, YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE. 

I cannot take this stress, this hurt, this frustration, this anger, and this pain anymore. I can't. No no no. I WILL NOT. I HAVE been taking this. I have been taking this bullshit for YEARS, and you know what? I FINALLY think I am learning the lesson. After being burned, and torn apart time and time again by these people, I FINALLY am just saying TO HELL WITH THIS and forgetting about it. I know I have said to hold on to people, but I have also told you what a true friend is, I believe. And I really am a gem at finding the most shallow and low friends of all, and putting them first, and investing in them over people that would be beneficial to ME. 

"A real friend sticks closer than a brother." 

I cannot believe what someone is willing to put someone else through! HELL, I cannot believe what I have put up with, and then seeing how it effects me SO negatively. It makes me such a depressed, negative, distraught person. It has eaten me ALIVE for years! Wasted and wasted time on people who tear me down to make themselves feel better. They mistreat me for who knows what kind of satisfaction. I do NOT care to understand. I am done, and walking away, and just sick and tired of it all. I won't listen to any of those "Don't let a friendship die" talks. I don't give a damn. They would let me die. They have been making me miserable for years, and they never hesitated. "Oh, I'm sorry" BULLSHIT. When did "sorry" mean, I feel bad because you confronted me and figured out what I was doing, but I will just do it again because I don't care that I hurt you...? WHEN!? Please, someone, anyone, EXPLAIN this to me? 

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.