It Isn't Too Hard To See

        Who am I accountable to? If the "godly" people in my life are unforgiving, who believes my apologies? Is it enough to say I'm sorry? Why does it seem that they believe sinning and living in sin are the exact same thing? Is there no such thing as a struggle just because I don't ask for you help? No, I won't ask you to be my accountability partner. You could never be the judge of me. Shouldn't you know this? Aren't you studying the same bible I'm reading? Why are you so willing to only embrace those you see falling apart? Maybe we are just much stronger. Maybe we need to struggle alone. It's like you think repentance is some kind of achievement. You aren't God. You have no right to demand that view.
         There's something to wonder at: You act as though a struggle is a life of evil. Do you eat more than your share? Over indulge yourself in other ways? Any good thing can be misused. Even godliness can become a sin if you condemn and damn even loved ones. You turn godliness into self-righteousness and an unforgiving heart that turns even your family away. Why would anyone want to trust you? You've only demonstrated resentment, and an argumentative behavior. No one can win against your critical words. Why would anyone let their struggles show when you would rip them apart? You pull apart every word and argue on trivial things. Why would anyone want to listen when it's about things more seriously?
         All you do is assume and judge. You are not God, you are not in charge. You are not responsible for anyone, but yourself. Why are you so close minded  in this? You focus on SEEING when Jesus blessed those who believe without seeing. Why do you only believe in what you see from people? It is a wrong judgment. You think one wrong makes someone evil. But you bless the one who is so obviously living in wickedness. This is SENSELESS! Why do you so easily forgive someone who is not even ashamed of living in sin, but you condemn someone who is yearning for godliness? But they stumble. They fall. And instead of forgiving and encouraging, you rip their character apart.
        You are eager to love on anyone else, but those who really love you. You would rather resent us for being imperfect and risk your heart for someone who is living a wicked life. Is it because they cry and say a bunch of empty words? Is it because you see something that makes you show love to them more? How can you positively minister to anyone when you can’t even show love to your own family? How can you be right with God when you don't forgive mistakes. MISTAKES. This is sin, isn't it? This is wrong! I demand an answer! You are so unloving, unforgiving, resentful, judgmental, critical, and hateful. You take everything personal. Why do you expect us to be YOU, but even better? You're deceived.
         You are not my God. He has forgiven me before I even repent. He knows what is in my heart and I can trust that he will know the difference between mistakes and living in sin. Unlike you. He is righteous, he's pure and perfect, but HE forgives and doesn't resent. He washes away my sin. But you keep it memorized. You don't let go of wrongs and you barely remember the rights. God is my judge. He is my accountability partner. He's the one who reflects godliness. He has the answers to all these frustrations I've expressed. He knows my heart, unlike you. You have little to no faith in God if you don't trust that HE will deal with my sin. You lack trust in his power if you doubt his ability in leading me to repentance.
         Without him, you are nothing. So, when you judge me, do you really think that is what God wants? This is ridiculous! Be grateful to God that you have us. There aren't many who struggle. That is because a lot just give in. If you can't forgive, what does that mean for you! God will deal with you harshly. Shouldn't you be wary of that? There are consequences for those who focus on such trivial things. (Remember the religious leaders that accused Jesus? Remember how Christ protected that woman that people were going to stone? He told them that whoever was pure, righteous, and had never sinned could throw the first stone. But no one was left! Not ONE! Why do you condemn then?) Well, then you know what I think I'm seeing. Reflect on your own heart and stop condemning others. You forgave them, why can't you forgive anyone else? You are so untrusting.
It's SO wrong. So wrong. So wrong.

Leave Weeping to the Willow Tree

I'm sitting at the computer of my school library waiting to meet with my adviser. We're going to map out the next year and a half of my life for school. Of course, just because we may write something down, that doesn't mean it will actually happen that way. My plans have already been changed so much.

Sometimes, it seems nothing is certain. That no matter what you thought you could depend on, rely on, put faith in, it never seems to work out. Many times, I just wonder, "Why do I try?" because it feels so hopeless. If my future is uncertain, we are influenced to plan it. But what happens when that is all in disarray? What do you do when everything else has failed? If what I plan is not the final say, I think, why plan? Why have goals or dreams when it's ultimately not up to me if they are actually fulfilled?

But isn't mystery supposed to be exciting? Isn't it thrilling to NOT know what's going to happen next? Uncertainty is decaying. But what if you don't view it as that? What IF it's just being in awe of what you don't know? Or marveling at the unknown? What if the only thing that is mystifying is how focused I AM on what MY plans are for myself? What if that is the wonder?

I have so many questions that just don't have answers. Some say that you should start doing. But where do I begin? How far should I go? When will I end? One answer is followed up with a thousand more questions. Is that the point? If I knew the answer to one thing, I would think I deserved the right for more. The comfort is that everyone is searching for answers.

But for once, I would like someone to be searching for me.

I've Got To Be Honest

I struggle with a lot of things;
Emotion is one of them.
Yes, everyone feels something,
but it is possible to over-feel, isn't it?
Maybe my thoughts and feelings are just too simple for me to explain
or just that complex.
It is as though, someone merely poked me with a finger,
yet I am left with a stab wound.
Over years of being mistreated by people I should be able to rely on,
I have become a resentful and untrusting person.
Sometimes, I am apathetic.
I could careless.
And other times, I cannot control my mind from conjuring up old hurts.
I am like a mutant of some sort, or a strange fictional character:
The girl halfway in reality and halfway in the past,
Halfway in what could have been and halfway in fact.
Is one capable of caring too much,
and not caring enough?
If so, I believe I have accomplished that.
I feel so alone,
and then I want to be alone.
There's a civil war going on inside of me.
Nothing is at ease,
or at peace.
Especially not my mind.
I'm not angry with God anymore.
I used to blame him, or yell at him.
What for?
I came to the conclusion that I was the problem,
the sole problem.
Why else would people trample me so freely?
Why else would someone use me as the scapegoat to her lies?
Why else would I be the one put out of a job?
Why else would I be the one pushed around?
I write countless of poems,
poems that try to reflect whatever is inside of me.
A broken heart, a broken person, a broken spirit.
Whatever the hell is left in this person I am.
I was forced to be here,
but no one knows how many times I begged God to take my life.
Selfishly. I asked him so many times.
Out of hurt, I tried to cut myself,
Out of rage, I swallowed my pain, never to share the depth,
only causing a huge black hole to evolve in my heart.
I asked God why couldn't he fill it, or better yet, why WOULDN'T he?
And he would put me at ease,
and then I would forget him,
thinking I was free from the emptiness, the hurt and rage.
But the bottled up emotion was not gone.
Little by little, I would be reminded of all of it.
Friends ripped me up,
Strangers destroyed my reputation.
I gave people too much of myself,
people who didn't care.
And to the people who should have loved me,
I am a disappointment, or a burden.
But they don't know half of who I am.
I live underneath the surface.

Who Am I To Say...?

What does it mean to be unburdened? Is it a sign of freedom? Is a soul burdened only by itself? Or is it by the godless behavior of the body it possesses? Is it a fair question to ever ask for the end of one's life? Or to even dare take it away? It is weakness of heart and faith to let a burden ever take the joy of living.

But how does a person let go of it all; the worry, the burden, and the hurt? Pride tell shim to figure it out alone; Weakness tells her she is no good, useless for losing control. Life has a way of breaking character apart. But does breaking apart - mind and spirit - make on stronger?  Does it really?

We pump our fists in the air at the sky. Continually asking questions..."God, why?" The end of our rope is only a few threads: how can that be safe? If there is no one to save us, why hold on so tight? Rocks are inevitably at the bottom. We endeavor to escape on our own, perhaps. But who is holding the rope? And who is pulling on the other end? We focus so much on holding on, but not that someone is holding onto US. The rope is not made by my hands, as the fish didn't create the hook. But if it is stuck to my flesh, IT will never let me go.

"There is no God," some say. But two words - close and close - are spelled the same, but have two very different meanings. I tell you, we are not alone.

There is one who holds my rope.