When will I outgrow this blog? Maybe never. I called off work today because I woke up from bad dreams that gave me so much anxiety. The last one was telling me to call off work, so I did. I'm at a coffee shop I've never been to which is actually just less than two miles from one of my friends' houses. But I need solitude. I spent the weekend around some friends, and then just with my dog. I guess today I still needed more. Even though she's just a dog, when I spend day with her, it still feels like my energy is drained as if I were spending time with a friend. Which honestly is the case. I feel exhausted.
I partially miss the period of my life where I did school in the morning and then spent the afternoon reading, writing, and drinking coffee at a local shop that was farrrr off campus. I think I often still feel so isolated, so blocked off in my thoughts and my feelings. There is always this low hum of heaviness, or loneliness, in my head or on my body. My emotional world is so powerful that it hits my physical world like an opponent punches their boxing mate. I just happen to always do it to myself. At the same time, I do have a sense of superiority, but simply because I am able to notice everything. I've come to notice all things about myself, and it has become so easy to read others. I recognize the humanity in them, but that doesn't mean I have to like them or let those reasons be excuses for their shitty behavior or reactions to me. I hold onto feelings with clenched hands, and I put them through a lot of tests to see what will remain in the end. I only want to keep the purest form of that feeling and throw out all the excess "fat."
There is always more to experience, more to be had. And there is a longing for more that is growing in my chest and will not be set aside. I don't know what it will encompass or where it will take me, but I know I need to start mending my wings, my source of mobility, and get to my feet. I want to move. Still. That desire won't go away. And I'm afraid I've become too dependent on the validation from my close friends here. I want that to change. But there is always a weird part of me that's deeply detached simultaneously. I'm restless, and continually feel like my energy is overly exerted, and I reveal too much. Even if I don't. I've never seen so much of my weakness until I've seen others' weaknesses or lack of maturity and evolve-ment. I always want to be progressing, learning, growing, and becoming stronger. I'm already bored at my new job. Anyone could do it half ass and it wouldn't make a difference. They would still get paid the same as I do, when I'm anxiously stressing over the details. I wish I made tons of money so that money didn't matter, but I mostly wish money didn't matter.
I know there is a yin and yang to everything. That's the mistake so many others in my life make. They overlook that there is an opposite to everything. They demand all these one sided ways of living, and then there is no balance. I painfully recognize the imbalance and chaos of my world and the people in it. I know the ugly truth about every single person I've invested in, and my mind tells me to be compassionate and empathetic, but my heart tells me that there is imbalance, and unfairness. I don't get back the amount I give at the rate I give, to the extent I give. It may be better than it used to be, with past friends and past me. But there is still this gaping distance between what I give and what I take. It seems that I am constantly pouring into what I believe something could be, and I convince my brain it is that thing before it ever is. So, then I'm devastated when I realize the potential never manifested. That was the ugly truth that hit my head recently about my siblings and my parents. Everything I ever thought we were had never come to be, and it was all my dreams and hopes that I had put so much stock into... but not reality. There's how you feel about something, how you think about it, and then reality. Reality is always jarring, whether it's good or bad, more like positive or negative.
I can sense my time in this area, in this space, is expiring and going to end soon. I don't know where it will then lead me, and where I will go. I'm so bored of this space, the way things are going, and how no one wants to change and grow in physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual ways with me. They don't want to change how they are, and I'm just constantly making way for them to be stagnant while I feel like I'm aching to heal and be somewhere, to fully become someone. People demand my empathy and give nothing to fill my energy back up. Until I'm telling someone how awful I'm doing, they don't have enough initiative to even show TLC to me. I literally have to be screaming for anyone to notice, but I see their slightest discomfort, even when they are lying to my face and saying they're fine. Can't anyone see through to me? Can't anyone help pull me into a new space that isn't so heavy? Why must I do all the emotional labor at all times? I'm exhausted.
I want to run away.
I partially miss the period of my life where I did school in the morning and then spent the afternoon reading, writing, and drinking coffee at a local shop that was farrrr off campus. I think I often still feel so isolated, so blocked off in my thoughts and my feelings. There is always this low hum of heaviness, or loneliness, in my head or on my body. My emotional world is so powerful that it hits my physical world like an opponent punches their boxing mate. I just happen to always do it to myself. At the same time, I do have a sense of superiority, but simply because I am able to notice everything. I've come to notice all things about myself, and it has become so easy to read others. I recognize the humanity in them, but that doesn't mean I have to like them or let those reasons be excuses for their shitty behavior or reactions to me. I hold onto feelings with clenched hands, and I put them through a lot of tests to see what will remain in the end. I only want to keep the purest form of that feeling and throw out all the excess "fat."
There is always more to experience, more to be had. And there is a longing for more that is growing in my chest and will not be set aside. I don't know what it will encompass or where it will take me, but I know I need to start mending my wings, my source of mobility, and get to my feet. I want to move. Still. That desire won't go away. And I'm afraid I've become too dependent on the validation from my close friends here. I want that to change. But there is always a weird part of me that's deeply detached simultaneously. I'm restless, and continually feel like my energy is overly exerted, and I reveal too much. Even if I don't. I've never seen so much of my weakness until I've seen others' weaknesses or lack of maturity and evolve-ment. I always want to be progressing, learning, growing, and becoming stronger. I'm already bored at my new job. Anyone could do it half ass and it wouldn't make a difference. They would still get paid the same as I do, when I'm anxiously stressing over the details. I wish I made tons of money so that money didn't matter, but I mostly wish money didn't matter.
I know there is a yin and yang to everything. That's the mistake so many others in my life make. They overlook that there is an opposite to everything. They demand all these one sided ways of living, and then there is no balance. I painfully recognize the imbalance and chaos of my world and the people in it. I know the ugly truth about every single person I've invested in, and my mind tells me to be compassionate and empathetic, but my heart tells me that there is imbalance, and unfairness. I don't get back the amount I give at the rate I give, to the extent I give. It may be better than it used to be, with past friends and past me. But there is still this gaping distance between what I give and what I take. It seems that I am constantly pouring into what I believe something could be, and I convince my brain it is that thing before it ever is. So, then I'm devastated when I realize the potential never manifested. That was the ugly truth that hit my head recently about my siblings and my parents. Everything I ever thought we were had never come to be, and it was all my dreams and hopes that I had put so much stock into... but not reality. There's how you feel about something, how you think about it, and then reality. Reality is always jarring, whether it's good or bad, more like positive or negative.
I can sense my time in this area, in this space, is expiring and going to end soon. I don't know where it will then lead me, and where I will go. I'm so bored of this space, the way things are going, and how no one wants to change and grow in physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual ways with me. They don't want to change how they are, and I'm just constantly making way for them to be stagnant while I feel like I'm aching to heal and be somewhere, to fully become someone. People demand my empathy and give nothing to fill my energy back up. Until I'm telling someone how awful I'm doing, they don't have enough initiative to even show TLC to me. I literally have to be screaming for anyone to notice, but I see their slightest discomfort, even when they are lying to my face and saying they're fine. Can't anyone see through to me? Can't anyone help pull me into a new space that isn't so heavy? Why must I do all the emotional labor at all times? I'm exhausted.
I want to run away.
