Two weeks ago, I came here to talk about things that were happening. Capricorn season is not my favorite. It caused me great anxiety in different years of my life, but coming into this year didn't make me panic, despite the drama that was going on with my parents. It's not like it's actually over; we're just not going to talk about it for a while. I'm just happy that I'll be rid of the car and one less thing they can hold on me.
Since the first day I remember life, I wanted to put my mom at ease but I also wanted to be my own person. I have early memories of making intellectual choices in how I communicated or how I wanted to be perceived. I always thought about wanting to be just me. Simply me. It isn't that I made myself into something I wasn't. I just didn't share what I wanted to keep for myself. I realized that the only person who would listen to me was my mom/parents, but only if I was perceived as doing the "right thing." I know I always had my own kind of moral code. My gut always knew. I would always somehow know something wasn't right. It'd take me a while to figure out why my stomach would hurt, but now I know it's when I wouldn't listen to my intuition, and also because I have bad anxiety.
It's in the business of an empath and Cancer sun to reflect on the past, and learn from it, and sometimes be all nostalgic. It's mostly to learn. I know I have obsessive thought patterns. I replay so much in my head. I want to be a better person from all of the bullshit and good shit I've experienced. And I also want to be honest with myself, not taint what really happened because of NOW circumstances. Unless time is linear. Whatever that means. I wouldn't be surprised if this reality is actually a simulation. When I die, I wake up.
I just had this thought. We watched Return of the King yesterday. Towards the end of the movie, Frodo & the other hobbits are sitting back at their home pub, drinking beer. And you see this look on Frodo's face. It's as if it says "After all of what I went through, I'm at the same bar I was before all of this." And he couldn't get over that feeling he didn't belong anymore. That his life before that journey was gone for good, even though he could go through the motions of it. He had experienced such darkness, pain, and evil, but came out. And now he's sitting with his dearest friends, but he isn't one of them anymore. I don't know if it truly correlates, but that's how I feel. When I go "home." I've been through way too much to just come back here and act like I'm that person at the beginning. The old Hannah can't come to the phone... "oh, cuz she's dead." I was never meant to belong, just like Frodo wasn't meant to be a regular ole hobbit.
I found a poem just now at the back of my journal that I started in 2007. Added a couple entries in 2008 & 2009. But the poem is from 2013. I think it's about Alex, and when I had to let him go.
I've got nothing else to say right now.
Since the first day I remember life, I wanted to put my mom at ease but I also wanted to be my own person. I have early memories of making intellectual choices in how I communicated or how I wanted to be perceived. I always thought about wanting to be just me. Simply me. It isn't that I made myself into something I wasn't. I just didn't share what I wanted to keep for myself. I realized that the only person who would listen to me was my mom/parents, but only if I was perceived as doing the "right thing." I know I always had my own kind of moral code. My gut always knew. I would always somehow know something wasn't right. It'd take me a while to figure out why my stomach would hurt, but now I know it's when I wouldn't listen to my intuition, and also because I have bad anxiety.
It's in the business of an empath and Cancer sun to reflect on the past, and learn from it, and sometimes be all nostalgic. It's mostly to learn. I know I have obsessive thought patterns. I replay so much in my head. I want to be a better person from all of the bullshit and good shit I've experienced. And I also want to be honest with myself, not taint what really happened because of NOW circumstances. Unless time is linear. Whatever that means. I wouldn't be surprised if this reality is actually a simulation. When I die, I wake up.
I just had this thought. We watched Return of the King yesterday. Towards the end of the movie, Frodo & the other hobbits are sitting back at their home pub, drinking beer. And you see this look on Frodo's face. It's as if it says "After all of what I went through, I'm at the same bar I was before all of this." And he couldn't get over that feeling he didn't belong anymore. That his life before that journey was gone for good, even though he could go through the motions of it. He had experienced such darkness, pain, and evil, but came out. And now he's sitting with his dearest friends, but he isn't one of them anymore. I don't know if it truly correlates, but that's how I feel. When I go "home." I've been through way too much to just come back here and act like I'm that person at the beginning. The old Hannah can't come to the phone... "oh, cuz she's dead." I was never meant to belong, just like Frodo wasn't meant to be a regular ole hobbit.
I found a poem just now at the back of my journal that I started in 2007. Added a couple entries in 2008 & 2009. But the poem is from 2013. I think it's about Alex, and when I had to let him go.
I've got nothing else to say right now.
