I haven't even gone on a rant about my feelings for so long here. I have held off I think because I didn't want to come to you and not have much to say. And it isn't like you are an audience depending on my entries, you aren't even there. But I have to sort through my unpoetic thoughts at some point and somewhere. Nothing good comes from supression, not that I've been doing that completely. But those thoughts that I just don't share, those ones so vague yet so precise that speaking to anyone about would cause them to wonder "Is this concerning me?" and at this point, so much of what I feel concerns everyone around me. When I say concern, I mean involves, because I doubt even half of who I know on a decent level really gives a damn on what bothers me or hurts me. I can't really expect a high percentage, I suppose, because it isn't like I wholly know what is going on in anyone's life these days.
The problem with my thoughts is that I tend to go down a dark path. It isn't full of "I want to kill myself" thoughts. Not exactly what I mean when I say dark. I just have had a mind full of frustrated and hurtful thoughts. Ones that just tear myself down, like rocks turn into minerals. It is a self-decay, to some degree. And a road that I don't like being on. I blame myself continually for feeling feelings. I punish myself for that. It's a way of thinking that needs to be retrained, reformed. And I, to some extent, wish you could understand my pain. How my heart can physically ache and long for things that it is just so far from.
I lived constantly internalizing my feelings, and now I've gotten so bad at hiding them. At least, that is how I view myself. I see it as "heart on sleeve." But "they" say you see yourself a good amount worse than others do. Except, what about those others that have pushed you to the edge. The others that gave you the gun for suicide, or the injection. You know, the ones that encouraged your break down in all reality. How do they see me? Or those who just drop in and out when they feel like it? How do they view me?
I think I may be more open with how I feel because I am less willing to be trampled on. I am more willing to put up a fight because I am stretched thin as it is. I have let myself become skin and skeleton. I've been worn down to my core. They drop in like a bomb, and leave with so much destruction. They drop just above the surface so they can quickly make their getaway without being affected, infected. Don't they feel anything for what they do to me? Don't they feel remorse for just breaking up my expectations and hopes? I don't think I will ever understand those who are just walking out with no explanation, no rhyme, no reason told. No. I have reasons for what I do, for who I have to leave alone, and for my own vices I still cling to now and then. But I strive for virtues, and cannot comprehend when using someone as a means to an end is a way of life. That will not be said of me, that I used people for my own purposes only. I will be known as a lover, as a person who understood and cared.
The problem with my thoughts is that I tend to go down a dark path. It isn't full of "I want to kill myself" thoughts. Not exactly what I mean when I say dark. I just have had a mind full of frustrated and hurtful thoughts. Ones that just tear myself down, like rocks turn into minerals. It is a self-decay, to some degree. And a road that I don't like being on. I blame myself continually for feeling feelings. I punish myself for that. It's a way of thinking that needs to be retrained, reformed. And I, to some extent, wish you could understand my pain. How my heart can physically ache and long for things that it is just so far from.
I lived constantly internalizing my feelings, and now I've gotten so bad at hiding them. At least, that is how I view myself. I see it as "heart on sleeve." But "they" say you see yourself a good amount worse than others do. Except, what about those others that have pushed you to the edge. The others that gave you the gun for suicide, or the injection. You know, the ones that encouraged your break down in all reality. How do they see me? Or those who just drop in and out when they feel like it? How do they view me?
I think I may be more open with how I feel because I am less willing to be trampled on. I am more willing to put up a fight because I am stretched thin as it is. I have let myself become skin and skeleton. I've been worn down to my core. They drop in like a bomb, and leave with so much destruction. They drop just above the surface so they can quickly make their getaway without being affected, infected. Don't they feel anything for what they do to me? Don't they feel remorse for just breaking up my expectations and hopes? I don't think I will ever understand those who are just walking out with no explanation, no rhyme, no reason told. No. I have reasons for what I do, for who I have to leave alone, and for my own vices I still cling to now and then. But I strive for virtues, and cannot comprehend when using someone as a means to an end is a way of life. That will not be said of me, that I used people for my own purposes only. I will be known as a lover, as a person who understood and cared.
