It's A No Brainer

Hello everyone.
I realize I have never started an entry that way, but there is always time to do new things, right? I like discovering things I overlooked, and seeing things from a different perspective. I love going on a nature walk to pay attention to the details. I tend to go to the same parks just so I can see how they change with the seasons. Just like the leaves on the trees, we are constantly changing. It might not show 'til way later, but we are. Hopefully we don't fall to the ground and become crunchy so that an ADD person has to go out of their way to step on us to here that "crackle" sound. I know, WAAAAY off topic. I am definitely ADD myself. ;) 


Today I went to the Mall to be with my sissy guy friend while he got his ears pierced. He said "I don't want to do this alone." So, I got there just in time...and another FRIEND was there already. He just wanted to see me, I know. But still. I was there for 5 minutes. Bleh. BUT I did get a job application from Bath & Body Works. I need a job desperately. I am running out of money. :/ 


I don't know if I had any thoughts I needed to share today. Mostly that tomorrow will be nice. Two of my classes were cancelled, and I can just spend the day out at Panera studying and working on my two HUGE essays. Econ and English. I still can't figure out what to discuss for my English research paper. My Econ one is about Monopolies. I don't think my prof for that class will be too hard on the grading. Heck, I originally had a D on the midterm and he changed it to a C. Gotta love those lax teachers :D


I've been working on this new song of mine. It's called Biggest Fear. I have been really poetic lately, probably due to what's been going on in my life. It's kinda the only way I feel away from all the stress and frustration. It's like a release. Some drink, some smoke, I write. That's how I get calm, and cooled. 


Well, I don't have anything inspiring to say today, I supposed. I'm ready for a job. I'm ready for my new MAJOR, and I'm ready for the start of something new. hmmm. 

Now We're Too Far Gone

When have I gone too far? When is enough, enough? When is crossing the line going to destroy me? I wonder at this phenomenon. I would rather hurt someone, cause them pain or frustration than to give into love, and give into the unknown. It does have to do with fear. Fear blinds me. I think I have to be in control, I think I have to known where to place my feet, I think I have to have it figured out, I cannot just do. It is nonsensical, it is problematic, but sometimes thinking things through too much will only take up the time I could be spending to DO. 

I sit here, pondering, is it worth it? But I do not take a chance, I do not take the dare, but even in the game, I refuse to tell the truth as well. I am the coward, I am the fraud, I am the one hiding behind a facade. I withdraw, I hold back, I put up defenses, I stagger, I fall, I beat down, and I surround myself with a brick wall. I want to seem invincible, I want to seem untouchable, I want to seem unreachable, and I turn cold.  

But in the end, I am alone. I push and push, 'til I have finally caused who I love to hate me. I demean, I disrespect, I hide behind the seams, and I lose everything. I seem to be forgetting what this life is about. I forget that my strength is just a security blanket, conceals my real reflection. I am weak. I am salt. I am a grain of sand. I am nothing. I self-destruct on the inside, but turn stone cold on the outside.  

 Is it okay to fall apart? Is it okay to not be strong? Is it okay to let everyone see I do not have anything together, that I am a hopeless mess, that I am weak, I am defeated, I am angry, and I am a pushover? No one wants to be on the back burner, but is spite the answer? After all I have learned, after how I've been treated, shouldn't I know better? Shouldn't I want to LIVE better? Shouldn't I want to prove that I am invincible by living, enjoying, learning, and breathing? 

I want to learn to be different than this. I want to live optimistically. I want to smile for no reason other than the fact I am breathing and living a new day. I want to be strong. I want to be warm. I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be open. I want to be free. I want to be free to fall apart in your arms and not have to worry if you will leave. I want to close the door to old pain and hurt. I want to let go of the past. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to pursue happiness.  

 

These Photographs, They Haunt Me...

It's funny what you find out about yourself. You think you've got yourself covered, you know all there is, but then suddenly an event arises and you are staring in the mirror, in shock, wondering "How the hell did I miss that? Who am I even looking at anymore?" It seems that no matter what, pain brings out who we really are. It's almost like the Joker says in the movie when he tells the jail guard that he knows his friends better than he ever had. People in their last moments reveal what they are really like. And it seems that that is VERY true. Not necessarily in "the last moments" but pertaining to the idea of hurt and pain. How you deal with it shows how you really deal with everything. 

And pain doesn't just pass with time, and you recover. You have to WANT to heal. I find that many times, I would rather bury it inside, cry myself to sleep with no one around than to let it go. It never makes sense to choose pain over happiness, or anger over love. But sometimes, you can't take more than what you already have. Sometimes love is too overwhelming. Pain can be as well, only if you are not in constant turmoil with yourself as it is. I do not like to share what pains me. I share what frustrates me;  I vent. But I tend to shy away and lock up when it comes to what really goes on in my head and in my heart. I have never found someone who can understand. 

It's hard to find someone who can relate to you in the ways you need. Not just in interests and activities: There's so much more! For me, there is so much more to me than just what I do. I think so much. I feel so deeply. And to have that all uncovered, to unmask me, I'd feel naked and lost. I do not want to be discovered, or figured out. I don't want to be special, or happy because of SOMEONE else's pressure or influence. There are people out there who will only be around just to get a grasp on understanding you, learning what they need to know, and then POOF! They never come back. 

It's a vicious cycle - this life. You may be unstable, you may be secure. Where you stand may be uncertain and everything you lean upon may be pulled away. The people you trust may keep you safe, or tear you down. But time won't ever stop, the earth won't stop spinning, life will just go on. I am searching for that one person who makes me feel safe, who pulls close, who is certain, secure, stable, who doesn't make me feel alone, who understands my feelings, my thoughts, and won't let go. 

Keep My Helmet On Just In Case...

I decided to find a poem from a long time ago that I wrote on today's date. I like looking back and seeing if I can remember what I was thinking about back then.
This particular one is dated back in 2006.

Startin' all over again
Was it all just pretend?
Cos I've got a wound
It doesn't heal
Those words unspoken
Cos my lips are sealed
I fumble in my mind
But it turns cold
No trace of life
No signs of boldness

It's all in everything you've ever wanted.
It's all in everything you dreamed
But what if it's all changing?
It's all rearranging.
Cos it's caving in.

Climbing back over
The waves rollin'
It's all just an illusion
Let's go, no one's callin'
What if I
Realized that
Climbing underneath my skin
Is just what is rippin' it
A soul of a wind that brings chill
And there's no trace of life
No signs of boldness.

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
Nothing left to find you
Does good ever do?
Can anyone find  me a reason
To smile like they do?
No trace of life
No sign of boldness

What will change the impact
Of the world's philosophy
Cos it's just slammed together
Which makes humanity
It's cavin' in.

Worth your while for a minute...

This week has been really rough for me. I finally stood up for myself and did the best thing: telling that person I mentioned in a prior blog that I had enough. I cannot benefit from a friendship where I am constantly being criticized, put down, treated like shit, swore at. I deserve respect. I am a whole hearted friend. So, once I am invested in someone, I do EVERYTHING for them. I rarely ever tell them no, I drop everything for their convenience, I put up with their rudeness, and attitudes, but I HAD enough. I have had a close friend who was always self-centered since I was 7 years old. It's time I actually only kept the people who treat me with dignity close. They say to keep your friends close and enemies closer, but I don't find a difference in friends to enemies at times. Enemies can't hurt you like friends can. If everyone knows you and another person have it out for one another, they will know that if you say something untrue about the other, that it's just crap only meant to bother the other person.

It's so frustrating that you cannot rely on people for too much. It's not that I am so trusting, I am not. I am so giving of my time, effort, self, and money for friends that take that for granted. Now, I am not trying to brag and say I am this amazing friend. I do have a good reputation. BUT I do invest a lot of myself into my close friends, and not enough in the others who actually would be better for me. Usually the "friends" that force themselves upon me into the "close friends" slot, they are the ones that end up driving me INSANE because I do EVERYTHING I can to please them, and it's NEVER enough.

This isn't meant to be a journal. My point is again about friendships: why stay in a friendship when you are treading glass? or thin ice as the saying may go. No one should make you feel inferior to them, especially if you have done much more for the relationship to work than they ever have. They have NO RIGHT to put you down, they are more than likely jealous, insecure, just selfish and self-centered, absorbed, obsessed, or even psychotic. <- Not so likely. Yes, you should show love and kindness, but LOVE yourself. Even Jesus said to love your neighbor as YOURSELF. You need to love and respect yourself just as much, too, for a healthy friendship.