Worse than Not So Good

Last night, I crumbled and did something I haven't done in almost a year. The past week and a half have reminded me of all the reasons I hated feeling. I know in my head that being numb again would be terrible, too, but I'm caught in a paradox. I feel so much, yet I can't truly love or trust really anyone. Those who have said they love me have proven their love to be conditional or just a lie. Those who want to play the victim will do so, and those who are truly victims refuse to stay that way.

Everything inside of me feels heavy. I look at my body and I feel uncomfortable. I have gained weight, and lost motivation. Sometimes I have spurts of energy, but it's minor. Being here at school complete takes away my motivation. I hate this place. I know that, come summer, I'll be daily active and not be here in this state of "I am gross." It'll be okay there. I am dreading moving in with my parents. I've spilled my heart out on here, and I think anyone who has read this blog would understand why. I don't want to be treated like a child who still has to report back to her parents.

From my relationship being in shambles, my uncle dying, my relationship then ending, my uncle's funeral, the underlying judgment and assholery of my mom's family, and my nephew busting his mouth... Last week was really bad. You know when people say that one negative comment out of 100 still grabs your attention? Well, every good thing that did happen last week was completely outbalanced by the bad, because the bad was pretty bad.

I don't belong anywhere. I have a new job that I start in June, but that doesn't mean I belong. The worst part is I KNOW I'm depressed. School is ending soon, I'll be in Austria, but those things don't take away my state. I am better this morning than I was last night, but not by much. I feel fat and want to starve myself for a few days. That's how I feel. I feel empty. What was the point of all this? If my family knew the truth about me, they wouldn't love me the same. I'd like to think differently, but I know I'm right.

It gets worse with the fact that Erica is going to be gone all summer. I come back from Austria, and she's in Colorado. Mike is moving to Wisconsin. I'm leaving Grace, so my friends won't be in close quarters anymore. Certain friends of mine are already too busy for me anyway. I almost don't want to take my friend out for her birthday this weekend. She's been so absent. I've tried continually to reach out and see her but she's always busy. It's not like we're even going to talk much when we graduate. She'll be too busy with whatever job she gets and her boyfriend. That's how it goes. Yeah?

Wow, I can't believe how sorry I am sounding for myself. I never wanted to meet this version of me again. I don't want to feel so sorry for myself and be so pitiful. I'm really discouraged. I can leave it at that. I am discouraged, last week was really bad and really painful, I am sad and down, and I don't have much energy. People leave all the time, Friendships end. It's really just the way life goes. But that doesn't make it hurt less. People in my past taught me to never tell anyone you need them. They don't fucking care that you do.

Heat Wave in My Brain

Today has been a bedrest day for me. This last week I've felt anxious, stressed, frustrated, nauseous, and had a fever all last night. On top of those things, I also was on my period, which was the worst one I can recall, symptom wise. I've been in a lot of physical pain this week. My mind has been in an anxious state lately, too. When I fall into funks, I can't remember clearly when the last time I felt normal was. I know that's very strange, but my energy levels now are so low. This post sounds so much like a diary entry.

The last time I had a counseling session was February. I rescheduled my last one. Within the last few months, I've become less trusting of so many people. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I move back home. Counseling has been extremely helpful, but I have to leave Deb behind. She's a part of Grace, and I am leaving here. I wonder if there is a possibility I could meet her once a month, but I kind of doubt that could happen. I know there are a couple of amazing people in my life that I do get good counsel from, even if I am not telling them everything.

Will I miss anything here? My mind has been so distracted due to depression and lack of emotions. Right now, I'm distracted by my physical pain and how it's deterring me from working out or doing yoga. I'd just get weak if I tried. But yeah, I think there are features I will miss. I was recently recounting some stories to my friend Jessie about last year. As much as I would like to say I'm over all my past hurts, that just wouldn't be true. It's good to know I feel things again, I balance them so much better than I used to, and I'm much more in control of my emotions. I am disappointed that particular past things hurt still. Physical pain's got nothing on heartbreak. Losing someone you love that you thought you'd have in your future causes pain in your mind and your body.

By now, I thought I'd be sitting at his baseball games and cheering him on. I thought we'd be graduating together and our families having dinner after the graduation. I thought we'd finally connect and be together. I reread what I wrote winter 2015, about the night where he confessed his feelings for me. Nostalgia is dangerous. When I was numb, I saw him and it made no difference. I was at the rec a few days ago, jumping rope by the green room, and he was working out in there. I walked by him to get the rope. He walked by me to get his baseball gear, and of course I was invisible. But I became invisible a long time ago. I wasn't surprised by that. What did surprise me was the hint of pain in my chest.

Now I'm crying. Not sobbing. Just simple tears. My hands are freezing and my face is on fire. How can my body be in two different states, and have two different temperatures?

No Guarantees

Five minutes.
If only I could breathe easily in just the five minute break from class tonight. Yoga has taught me how to breathe efficiently, to some extent. But I don't consciously have that breathing in mind when anxiety creeps on me. I tend to forget about the tattoo on my hip that says "breathe." Why can't I remember that it is a crucial part of my life? Oxygen keeps me alive. Slow breaths calm me down. Exercise lifts my spirits. And one thing can crush all of that progress in just a few seconds. I recognize a trigger once I am triggered, but if only I could avoid scenarios that lead to triggers in the first place. I don't have any strange mutant powers to warn me of future things.

Uneasy.
There is a heaviness on my chest and a sickening knot in my stomach. I'm in pain, yet it's all derived from the anxiety in my head. How does the brain inflict physical discomfort from mental discomfort?  Why is the brain so controlling yet so out of control? Maybe that's just my brain. Maybe everyone else functions this way. I know everyone doesn't think this way. Or is my brain telling me that?? Back to my poem which I read at Inkspot launch party (and in that literary magazine it was published), I cannot trust my brain. I don't have a choice though because I cannot function without it.

I think class is about to reconvene. My mind is full of sadness, heaviness, and ache. I will probably workout hard tonight. My frustration and sadness can't be solved by that, but otherwise I might fall back into bad habits, and I do not want to do that again. Alright. Back to class. 

Be Still and Know that I'm Still Human

I hope I don't seem fake or flakey when I say that my mind is changing from certainty in my uncertainty. Yes, I still admit I am uncertain about many things, but I realized yesterday that I do believe in the person of Jesus. When I found myself in a Twitter "war" between people debating on an interpretation of Jesus' actions (or lack of actions) in dealing with those who were needy, I realized what I hate so much about religion and the baggage I grew up into. I realized that I was trying to convince someone that they were wrong in their interpretation, but I realized why I was (not very hard but kind of) trying to prove them wrong. They weren't passionate about the greater good of all people, but they proclaimed an ideology that spoke to me as selfish and self-concerned, and convenient. To my bones, to the depths of my soul, and everywhere in between, I want the most good for all peoples.  I am not claiming to be unselfish or not self-centered many, many times, but in times of crisis, I truly want all of us to embrace our diversity and come together to create a stronger unit. Humans are capable of great things.

Another thing I realized is that the Jesus this person on Twitter was depicting was not one I want to follow. No, I don't want to believe or put faith in a feel-good Jesus either, but I do not believe Jesus only cared for "his people." I don't know why the stories say he was on earth for such a short time, or why he only spent time in Israel. But I do know that if Jesus only cared about reaching the Jews, why the hell do I know anything (as a Gentile)? That's because he told his disciples to go meet other people and share their stories and lives. So, people who weren't a part of their inner circle eventually were, which means "their own" were originally not "their own." This person on Twitter was taking everything so literally, and I just can't do that anymore. I don't think the bible is something to take literally, but as a written artifact inspired by people's experience with God. I grew up in a culture where the bible was literal when it was convenient, and it wasn't literal when people didn't want it to be. THAT LITERALLY makes no sense. I refuse to believe in a Jesus like that.

There are two songs right now that restore my "okay-ness" with emotional experiences being considered spiritual. "Human" by OneRepublic, and "Be Still" by the Fray. Here are some of my favorite excerpts:

"He said, "How does it feel to be human

Does some of the best plans you make get ruined?

Do people curse you when flowers ain’t blooming?

How does it feel?"

He said, "How does it feel to be human?

If I could for one day I just might do it

Dance 'til the sun comes up to my music

How does it feel?

How’s it feel?"

"How does it feel to be human?

If I could for one day I just might do it

Dance 'til the sun comes up to my music

How does it feel?

How’s it feel?"" - OneRepublic

"When darkness comes upon you

And colors you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed

And sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said

Be still, be still, and know." - The Fray

Anberlin helped me through dark days and kept me connected to feeling deeply when feelings were all I really had. But now, I've changed because of my experiences. I have learned to balance my feelings with more logic and reasoning. Yet, I am still a deep feeler to the core. I truly miss Anberlin for what it was and still is to me, but I know I needed to reach out and grow from that stem and find meaning in other things, too. It isn't that I didn't have some connectivity to other music, I think this just gives me a mind that recognizes Anberlin wasn't all there was that influenced and helped me. I remember The Fray performing "Be Still" at the State Fair concert, and it affected me so deeply. I've built new playlists filled with bands I never listened to before, and 

just know like two songs from (with many of them) and it's amazing. Because of my willingness to go see Anberlin alone has led me to many amazing concert experiences that I might have been too shy to go alone to. I needed Anberlin when it was, and just as the band grew out of itself, I am growing out of that old me. 

I've enjoyed The Fray and OneRepublic for many years. I liked The Fray a LOT, before I even really listened to Anberlin intently. There is a part of me that wishes I could create music and share it with others who need something to hit their hearts just like I needed these three songs over the last few months. Today, I feel the most connected to myself than I have in a very long while. I don't credit that to just these three songs because a huge part is my persistence to still do things even when I didn't care. 

Well, if I do get to be inked this year, I already know that it's going to pertain to one (or all) of those songs.

Express Love

Remember when we were kids and the world spun slowly and everything in life was so confined into things we understood? Back when our favorite singers were considered rock-n-roll and "questionable," and they weren't the sellouts they are now. Nostalgia has crept into my mind tonight. When the veil comes off and the bath water is thrown out, I'm fighting a hard battle within me to not just walk away. 

There comes a time in everyone's life where we have to decide what we believe. Some of us gloss over the "why" and just open-arm accept what we've been told without investigating. For the people before me, and the people before them, there were those who stepped away from the continuous cycle of rituals and nonsensical rules. I am the child of those who stood against the legalism of their day. But it's time for me to walk away from theirs. This is nothing new. "Mine is not a new story." Youth are so impressionable and I think adults waste it on brainwashing children into their ideologies. Once the kid grows up and realizes that the world is much more vast, diverse, and beautiful than she/he was told, it's overwhelming. 

The saddest truth I've ever witnessed is that "people of God" are the meanest human beings. Religious people in this culture tend to hold so tightly to their way of life, and throw stones at those who disagree. The most kindness I've been shown and the most vile of wounds I've been given have been from people who identify as Christians. But it all circles back to what really drives someone. I think the desire for certainty and comfortability is the crutch too many religious people (and maybe people in general) lean upon. 

What is this fear that consumes parents when a child rejects their "morals" or "beliefs?" It's the fear that the child is walking away from their way of life, but it isn't enough to just let the child be different. They could push and shove, and throw their interpretations at the child, and this only breaks and destroys the ties they should've built. Differences are what makes humans so beautiful and insane. It's more important for me to equally love and encourage my friends who are legalistic and way too religious and my friends who aren't religious at all. I don't belong in these roles, in these boxes, in these restraints.

If God exists, and if he has communicated to us, and if he did come here to live with us for a time, and if he really does love us, he is TOO DAMN BIG and TOO IMPORTANT for me to judge the beautiful and insane people I meet. I will fail and I will be a jerk, but I am determined to try and just root for people. Confront the harmful things, acknowledge and praise the accomplishments, encourage the happiness, share the joy, express the love, and enjoy the company. What is my life but a moment in the vast history of the universe? Why do I want to impress people who's opinions and life choices or beliefs I don't even agree with? If my family can't love me when they slowly realize I think very differently from them, that's on them. I have fought through this and will continue to do so, but also stand up for truth and love. I am not morally responsible for anyone but myself. 

I am sick of seeing how inauthentic people are. I am sick of the obsession of patriotism Christianity. I am nothing. I am me. I am just human. The universe is too big for me to label myself to something so small. I have felt deeper connections with people at the Anberlin concerts than any person at church. Our aura and our joy permeate the showroom and overwhelm our hearts. We are one, and we sing and move like one entity. There is more to living than just religion and the past. There is more to love, joy, happiness, and humanity than this.

Hold Me Down

I could lie down right now and be fine to go to sleep. Daylight Savings is an interesting concept. However, just yesterday at this time, it was 9:30, and I was doing yoga. I guess this time yesterday I was tired already, and I really could afford to be doing a yoga session right now, but my brain just wants to vegetate. I finally completed my extensive content analysis on How I Met Your Mother season two. After watching that one season over and over again, I wanted to watch the other seasons. Though I skipped season one, I've continued to watch through the others. It's like I know the characters deeply now after studying them in season two. Okay, I promise I didn't come here to just talk about my project when I finally finished and turned it in.

There is something so interesting about where I'm at right now. I've been on spring break the last week and still am out of class until this Friday. I spent the break finishing a project, the one I mentioned, and have met up with various people. I also went to see Bad Suns and From Indian Lakes in concert. That was pretty great. Like in my previous post, I have had several conversations with Erica in depth about where I'm at. I guess I've publicly posted here exactly what I think and feel about a lot. However, I've realized, after intense conversations with different people, that I am trying to separate republicanism and patriotism from christianity. I know I should probably discuss exactly what I mean, and I promise I will. Just not tonight.

Tonight, I want to admit that I am growing and my certainty that I don't believe in God anymore has turned to uncertainty once again. I don't know if I don't believe in God. I don't know if I don't trust him. I know that I don't trust the God I was taught about, I don't believe in the rules that have been laid down in front of me, I don't believe the cultural customs of the Bible times translate over into now, and I'm sure I could go on with what I don't believe. Life is so much more in gray when it comes to how to live than most people think. There are so many ways to interpret everything. It was so refreshing to just pour my heart out to someone who is much older than me, experienced more life than me, and is honestly more charismatic than I am (and definitely more than my parents). Though I am a skeptic about spiritual experiences, I don't believe my friend April is lying to me about what she believes she's encountered. Physical ailments being healed by her God communicating through another person to her about it, when that person had no idea she was injured... That's cooler and more believable than when my friend Jackie said he's spoken to her. More people could attest to April's injury than anyone could say Jackie's experience was real. She was completely alone.

Yes, I am still a skeptic. No, I don't have any connectivity in my heart or spirit that I used to think I had. But April did encourage me to research and look into depression medication. She believed that if she ever had a spell again, she would definitely get on anti-depressants. So, this last week would've been an opportune time to get checked and assessed, but honestly I've been working so hard to meet up with friends I could, and also finish this project. I do want to heal and function better. I am open to finding God. I just really, really hope he isn't the one strictly coming from the bible, as a literal interpretation. It's funny how the christians in my parents circle might say people exclude parts of the bible for their convenience, but they do the exact same thing. Why don't women wear coverings over their head at church? Why don't they use real wine for "passover?" How come women stand up and speak anything in front of the church? Why are christians still obsessed with circumcising their sons? Why do any women ever wear jewelry or fancy hairdos? Why is anyone getting married when, according to Paul, it's better to be single? You know, there is actually a verse in the bible that encourages couples to get married if they can't keep it in their pants.

No wonder a ridiculous amount of students from my school getting married at 19. They've done everything but have sex, and don't want to "lose their virginity" before marriage, so they get married way too soon. And then they realize, wow we only married so we could "lawfully" have sex, but they actually hate each other and probably are terrible at sex. (hahahah okay that isn't relevant but you get my point). They pick and choose which customs to keep and which to disregard, and of course then they tie it into their freakin' politic beliefs. Well, the only way you can be a real christian is if you are supporting this political party, and are obsessed with America being "the shiny city on a hill." Check me out of this asylum. I don't belong here. Sure. I am grateful I don't live somewhere else in poverty, but the obsession with America being this new Israel/Jerusalem is freaky. Why else are we so obsessed with taking care of Israel? Do we deep down think God will give us credit for helping them? Do we think we then transfer the label of God's people from them to us because we've paid our dues? Why are we still so focused on do's and don'ts while pretending we aren't legalistic like the people who won't let their daughters wear jeans or listen to rock-n-roll?

I need to quit while I'm ahead. I said I would explain what I meant later, but I guess I've revealed some of my processing and frustrations. My intention isn't to offend anyone, though I know what I think and what I've said is definitely offensive to most christians. They love to be offended, as does anyone on Facebook.

ugh.

Destiny

The feeling that we had a deeper connection was weak when I sat across from my cousin and told her I don't believe in God anymore. After I vented out some of my thoughts, I realized I didn't intend to tell her them at all. Her responses weren't critical, accusatory, or much opposition. She asked if I wanted feedback, argument, or her thoughts. I realized what I had done and what I had said. Is authenticity so important that I had to cut that connection? Christians believe "unbelievers" cannot love deeply, and that is a lie. I love much more deeply than I ever have as I've taken steps back from what I once called "faith." If only differences weren't viewed so negatively... "I wish you could just be a Christian and be happy," She said to me. My mind isn't wanting to just be happy.

There is a deep experience of "God" that religious people have. I'm not the only one who noticed when mine was completely gone. The author of "Finding God in the Waves" acknowledged the difference for him. He explained this experience being like drugs but without the crash. He's right. A spiritual high seems so real - it makes God seem so real. When our minds are disengaged to the noise, that's when people experience "God." People saw more ghosts when there was less technology, less distractions. So, when we put aside our tech and our food or whatever, and focus on meditation and prayer and a simple text, then of course we will have to experience something. Our minds play tricks on us when they aren't engaged enough. Our minds will make us think there is something in the corner of our room when lights from outside flicker against the trees and the trees' shadows come into the bedroom. We aren't thinking logically though. We're so focused on that darker shadow in the darkness. If we wake up with sleep paralysis, then all of a sudden those dark shadows become an evil presence when there is no evil there.

Is happiness just doing and being what makes others comfortable? Is the point of my life to make others be satisfied that I am living as they want or doing what they want? I cannot just go back and make Christianity make sense to me. Once I've seen something, my eyes can't unsee it. Once I've discovered a question and haven't found an answer that makes sense, I can't forget it. My cousin wants me to be happy being what she thinks I should be. Christianity hurt me deeply. Being raised with Baptist doctrine and bible thumping parents who demand that the bible is inerrant has hurt me. I don't think I should have to clarify that I love my parents, but in case I need to, I love my parents. But they are just as blind as "liberals." I'm talked at just as much as I talk at them, if not more. I'm told to respect a position held by a disrespectful man, yet in that same breath they are disrespectful to a man who had held that same position. So, I should not speak ill of someone they voted for because that's wrong and disrespectful, but they can speak ill of someone they didn't vote for and that's fine. I don't mean to sound hateful. I'm hurting. I'm hurting over the hypocrisy, the blindness, the box, the conformity, the dogmacy... I'm hurting that my father is a better dad than my parents' creator of the universe. I'm hurt deeply because my father has failed my mom in ways, and he has failed me, yet he appears to be better than a "perfect" God. Though I am hurting over what my parents have taught me that has caused me to be so fucked up in the head, I am hurting more that I am disconnected from my family from now on.

It's not easy to be where I'm at. Did my morals and love simply vanish? No. I am me to the core. My love of philosophy and wanting to understand the world is still there. My love of people and wanting to be authentic is still there. I just don't care about our belief differences, our lifestyle differences, and our love differences. Be kind and be love. Tough love is such a joke. If love is kind, why has God been so unkind? Why does he get the excuse of being able to say "yes, no, maybe" to every prayer? And honestly, I could be more careful about typing all these thoughts out because someone could come across them and publish it for the world to see. Part of me doesn't care. I know that it could cause a deep rift. I know I still have suppressed feelings and can't fully feel things that maybe I should. But God is gone. My family believes in a being that is either indifferent, a sociopath, or not real.  I don't know what is real anymore. I'm not really sure of too much. I just know what I can't be, and what doesn't make sense to me anymore